I got my second covid vaccine! Woop woop. Both shots made me terribly ill, like prep-a-bag-for-the-ER ill. But it’s done. My super powers should be arriving shortly. Or at least 5G. The real hope here is that it helps with the Long Haul Covid. There have been numerous reports about LHC patients getting serious relief after the vaccine, so maaaaaaaaybe it will work. It will work. We’re gonna run with that. Yep.
I’ve had about two weeks to think about what to do with myself. At the end of the day, it just sucks. I’ve been out of work for 8 months. No end in sight. Everything hurts. I’m dying. Etc etc. I think the only reasonable thing to do at this point is to wipe my slate and build from the ground up. In the Tarot, there’s a card called The Tower. It’s all about having a big, disruptive, super sucky event. After said event, you have to throw out all of the old stuff that doesn’t serve you anymore and start over with whatever’s left. I’ve tried really hard to keep what I had going - the social media, the streaming, the commission clients, the shirt stuff, etc - and failed pretty hard. So maybe exploring from scratch is the better way to go. Sometimes you have to let go of things to carve a new path through.
And I’ve done this before btw. In 2018, I had my first work related seizures that really prevented me from working. Docs said to give it two weeks initially. Of course, two weeks turned into two months, which turned into six months. I buried myself in World of Warcraft for those six months as a nice little escape, and by the end I figured fuck it, let’s just build something new. The cool thing was that the new content style and approach was extremely popular and well loved. It got me to six figures on Instagram. It went viral on Reddit a number of times. It’s all over Pinterest. It turned out to be a really positive thing. Maybe we can do that again?
A lot of people don’t like The Tower in Tarot, but I dig it. It’s often violent and disruptive in a lot of spreads, hence all the hate. For me, by the time I get to using Tower energy as a solution, it’s such a relief. It’s exhausting when you try to hold on to old patterns or habits or workflows that just don’t work anymore. Very square peg round hole. It just doesn’t work sometimes. I’ve been fighting to keep my old life and art style and work balance for eight months. It’s been painful and so far, extremely unrewarding. Unfortunatley, I’m really stubborn, disciplined, and persistent. I was raised in a “if you work hard you can achieve whatever you want” household (which is a lie btw). But eventually I get to a point where that shit has just not been serving me well, or at all, for way too long. And the longer you try to hold on to things you shouldn’t, the more toxic they become. At this point, I am so goddamn tired.
Now I get to send all of those hopes and dreams and frustrations and struggles into the sun. Bye bye. I’ll get new hopes and dreams. With blackjack and hookers.
